FolicEntity

An error occurred,
please try again.

SCENE 4/01A. INT PROGRAMME
OPENING. INT. STUDIO. DAY
LIGHT.
VT TITLES
DUR: 25"
/
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen..... Welcome to Mrs
Brown's Boys
CAMERA MOVES FORWARD
SWEEPING OVER THE AUDIENCE
HEADS
SCENE 4/01. INT MRS BROWN'S
KITCHEN. INT. STUDIO. (DAY 1).
DAY LIGHT. 17.35.
/
WE FIND AGNES READING A
MAGAZINE
SHE'S FLICKING THROUGH THE
PAGES
AGNES: (TO HERSELF)
Bitch....
FLICK
She's an ass.
FLICK
She needs a face lift!
AGNES SEES WE HAVE JOINED
HER
AGNES:
Hello!
HOLDS UP MAGAZINE
AGNES:
I'm just looking at this and some of the
models in it..... what THEY need is a good
feed. There's not a pick on them.... there's
one of them that looked like an x-ray! .... you
wouldn't be able to make a pair of garters for
a budgie from the elastic in their knickers!...
LOOKS AT A PICTURE
AGNES:
If you could call them knickers... a couple of
bits of string with a label!... in my day we
wore REAL knickers.... Airtex, that was
them.... full of little air holes...
LAUGHS
AGNES:
My Redser couldn't look at a tea bag, but he
wanted to "do it"!!!!/
THE BACK DOOR OPENS AND -
ENTER DERMOT DRESSED AS A
GIANT RABBIT
DERMOT:
Hiya Mammy
AGNES:
Hello Honey Bunny!
SHE LAUGHS
DERMOT DOESN'T/
AGNES:
You just missed your boss. He was on the
phone asking would you call him when you
get home./
DERMOT:
That bastard./
AGNES:
Why? What's wrong./
DERMOT:
Next week is Kid's Intercontinental Comic
Book and Cosmic Character Festival Week./
AGNES:
Well done./
DERMOT:
I'm supposed to be promoting Kids comics -
and he wants me as a different super hero
every day./
(B.O.B)
AGNES:
That'll be great Dermot/
DERMOT:
I'm not doing it!!!/
AGNES:
Ah why not Dermot, sure the kids will love it,
and I don't know anybody who looks more
like a Super Hero.. than my son./
she pinches his cheek
DERMOT:
Mammy, I have to get the bus into town every
day ... dressed like... this!/
AGNES:
You're right, you're lucky he doesn't get you
to run in front of a Greyhound!!! Ruff! Ruff!/
SHE LAUGHS BUT AGAIN DERMOT
DOESN'T/
DERMOT:
It's bad enough NOW, you can imagine the
slagging I'll get dressed as ........ Spiderman./
AGNES:
I suppose, and trying to get on the bus with
all them legs?/
DERMOT lookS/
AGNES:
Well at least with a Superhero costume you
can wear a coat over it... not like those other
big costumes/
DERMOT: (THINKS)
You're right, yeh know!/
AGNES: (RISING)
Of course I am. Would you like tea love?/
DERMOT: (FLICKING THROUGH
PREGNANCY MAGAZINE)
No thanks Ma!/
agnes does a double take/
DERMOT:
Hey Ma, there's a new shop opened up in the
main shopping centre..../
AGNES: (EMPTYING BIN)
Is that right? Just what we need a new
shop...../
DERMOT:
It's called Fuller Fashions, it's nice. I'd say
now you'd love it./
AGNES:
Would I?/
DERMOT:
Yeh, they do lovely clothes for fat women./
SLOWLY AGNES TURNS/
AND DERMOT GULPS/
AGNES: (COMING TOWARDS DERMOT)
And why would I like that?/
DERMOT: (THINKING)
You know, In case you wanted to get
something nice.... For Winnie!/
DETENTE.
AGNES:
Very good. /
DERMOT IS RELIEVED/
You're right. You weren't suggesting....../
DERMOT:
Oh jaysus no Ma. You'd be too skinny for that
stuff!/
AGNES:
I know.
TURNS/
AGNES: (TO CAMERA)
It was nearly buckin' wabbit season!.
TURNS/
AGNES:
Rory will be home soon..../
DERMOT:
Oh now the Banger Sisters./
AGNES:
Banger Sisters? Is that cos they like
sausages./
DERMOT: (SHAKING HIS HEAD)
Doesn't matter Mammy./
agnes shrugs and takes the bin out/
rory and dino enter.
RORY:
Hiya Dermot.
DINO:
Hello Dermot./
DERMOT:
How are you lads?/
RORY:
I'm here Mammy.
AGNES:
Oh thank God. I'll sleep now.
AGNES:
Do yis want tea/
DINO:
No thanks./
RORY:
No Mammy, I just came home to drop off me
bag,/
AGNES POINTS AT DINO
AGNES:
Well you're not leaving him here!
SHE LAUGHS
THEY ALL LAUGH. DINO NOT SO
MUCH/
RORY:
We're going down to Foley's for a little drink./
AGNES:
That's early./
RORY:
Well it's kind of a celebration/
AGNES:
Celebration of what?/
RORY: (TO DINO)
Can I tell them?/
DINO: (MATTER OF FACT)
Och, go on then...../
RORY:
There was an announcement in work today/
AGNES:
An announcement? And what was it?/
RORY:
The owner.../
AGNES: (TO CAMERA)
Mr. Kavanagh/
RORY:
Of the salon.../
AGNES: (TO CAMERA)
Wash and Blow../
RORY:
...announced today that instead of bringing in
a new Manager, he was going to promote
someone from in the shop.../
AGNES:
Rory that's a marvellous opportunity.
agnes turns
AND IS GETTING EXCITED FOR
RORY/
AGNES: (TO CAMERA)
I always said that Mr. Kavanagh was a clever
and generous man.../
RORY:
...and Dino is the favourite to get it!/
AGNES IS DEFLATED
AGNES:
That Kavanagh is a gobshite...I never liked
him!/
DINO IGNORES AGNES
DINO:
Well Rory, we'll see now, let's wait and see./
AGNES:
Well, we can only hope./
RORY: (TO DINO)
You know you're going to get it!/
DINO SMILES/
RORY:
But you're right I suppose, it's not over till the
fat lady sings.../
DINO:
Oh now, clear your throat Mrs Brown.../
AGNES SPINS
AGNES:
I beg your pardon?
AS SHE CLIPS HIM WITH HER TEA
TOWEL
RORY:
Right we're off. Come on Dino.
agnes chases dino and rory out of the
back door/
DERMOT:
Right Mammy - I'm off./
AGNES:
I'll see you later love,
AGNES passes dermot something
Here stick this in your pocket for later...
dermot looks down and holds up a
carrot.
THEY LAUGH
DERMOT GOES TO LEAVE/
AGNES: (TO CAMERA)
Tha, tha, that's all folks.
TURNS/
shouting after dermot
..and Dermot think about the superhero thing
love, I think it'd be nice./
CATHY: (ENTERING)
What's the super hero thing?/
AGNES:
Next week is Kids Intercontinental Comic
Book and Cosmic Character Festival Week.../
A GLANCE TO THE CAMERA AND A
CURSORY SMILE/
AGNES:
And Dermot doesn't want to dress as a
superhero!/
CATHY:
Hmm. NOT wanting to be a superhero may
indicate his unwillingness to take on
responsibility!/
AGNES STARES AT CATHY
AGNES:
So then, my NOT wanting to watch WWF
may indicate my unwillingness to take on
Hulk Hogan?/
CATHY IS PUZZLED/
AGNES:
I know where this is coming from... this
Professor Clown!/
CATHY:
It's CLOWN..EH!... C.l.o.w.n."E" Clowne./
AGNES:
C.l.o.w.n.e. Is CLOWN in any buckin'
language... even in Euros!/
CATHY HUFFS/
AGNES:
You are even starting to sound like HIM! Is
there something going on there?/
CATHY: (COYLY)
Maybe! he's asked me out on a date..../
AGNES:
Oh for God sake Cathy. I'm not sure a
professor should be dating his students./
CATHY:
....and I'm going!/
AGNES:
Well, it's your life Cathy. Your entitled to fuck
it up any way you like!/
CATHY:
Well you'll excuse me if I take a pass on your
dating advice?/
AGNES: (RISING)
Let me tell you something love... I was
considered a bit of a "catch" in me day...
FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS NOW
AGNES:
You might not think that now.../
CATHY: (RISING)
Oh no Mammy.... You're still a fine looking
woman...../
AGNES: (FAKING HUMBLE)
I know I am, I was just saying that.../
CATHY GETS TO THE DOOR
CATHY:
... even with the extra weight!
EXIT CATHY/
AGNES: (DISGUSTED)
Ahhh for feck sake!
GO TO BLACK:
STING
FADE UP TO:
SCENE 4/02. INT MRS BROWN'S
SITTING ROOM/KITCHEN. INT.
STUDIO. (DAY 2). EVENING. 18.10.
RORY AND DINO ARE SITTING AT
THE TABLE.
RORY IS SUBDUED, BUT DINO
LOOKS SHATTERED.
AGNES IS POURING AND
SUGARING A TEA, BUT LISTENING
TO THE CONVERSATION/
RORY:
I think the place could be kept cleaner?
What do you think?/
DINO:
Em Hmmmm,...yes./
RORY:
I think if everybody done a little bit of
sweeping, even the stylists if they're not
busy....
DINO:
The stylists sweeping? That's interesting./
agnes enters the sitting room and is
still listening to dino and Rory's
conversation as she passes a cup of
tea to where she left buster sitting
AND SHE TURNS TO SEE/
the chair is empty. she does a double
take and sees/ buster sitting on her
chair.
BUSTER: (WAVING)
It's comfy here. /
AGNES: (CROSSING)
Yes it is Buster.... that's why it's called My
Chair.
SHE HANDS HIM HIS TEA/
BUSTER:
Thank you Mrs. Brown/
AGNES: (TURNING BACK TO THE
KITCHEN)
Dermot should be home any minute...in the
meantime...everything in here is counted!/
BUSTER:
Mrs Brown?/
AGNES:
What?/
BUSTER:
Could I have a saucer?/
agnes rolls her eyes and exits to
kitchen./
AS SHE ENTERS
RORY:
Also I think there are too many smoke
breaks...../
DINO:
But you don't smoke?/
RORY:
That's not my fault./
DINO:
Em hmmmm./
CUT TO:
THE SITTING ROOM
THE FRONT DOOR OPENS AND IN
COMES DERMOT.
dermot IS IN HIS SUPERMAN
COSTUME
DERMOT:
Ah Buster you're here. Thanks for waitin'/
BUSTER:
No problembo Dermo./
DERMOT:
Gimme a second.../
BUSTER GIVES A THUMBS UP/
DERMOT GOES TO KITCHEN DOOR
DERMOT:
I'm home Mammy.../
AGNES:
I'll notify the press!/
DERMOT CHUCKLES
HE THEN SPOTS DINO
DERMOT:
How are ye Dino. Congratulations on the
promotion./
DINO GLARES AT DERMOT.
DINO:
Oh rub it in why don't you./
DINO GETS UP, PAUSES TO BLAME
DERMOT/
THEN leaves by the back door,
CRYING /
DERMOT:
What did I say?/
RORY:
He didn't get the promotion.... I did.
AGNES: (SHOUTING AFTER HIM)
See you later, Manager!/
DERMOT SHRUGS AND GOES
BACK TO THE SITTING ROOM/
BUSTER:
So what did you want me for Dermo?/
DERMOT:
I wanted to see if you fancy doin Robin next
week./
BUSTER:
Sure. Where are we robbin'?....../
DERMOT:
Not thievin' Robin. Robin, Robin.... like
Batman and Robin. /
BUSTER:
Oh that Robin/
ENTER AGNES WITH SAUCER
AGNES:
Who's Robbin'?/
BUSTER:
Me./
AGNES: (TO DERMOT)
You'd want to give that up, Son.../
DERMOT:
No Mammy, he's not going to be Robbin' he's
going to BE Robin.../
AGNES: (PASSING SAUCER)
When?/
DERMOT:
In a few days/
AGNES:
So he's not Robbin' today/
DERMOT:
Obviously.../
AGNES:
But he's going to be Robbin? And you think
that's alright?/
DERMOT:
Mammy you're getting confused.../
BUSTER:
Dermot can I explain it?/
DERMOT:
This should be good.../
BUSTER:
You see Mrs. Brown...Robin is good. And I'm
going to be Robin. So if I'm Robin,
Robin...then there'll be no Robbin' 'coz Robin
is not into Robbin.../
AGNES:
Oh I see...like Batman and Robin!/
BUSTER: (NODDING)
Yeah./
AGNES:
Yeah./
DERMOT is puzzled
DERMOT:
Seriously...you got it from...THAT/
AGNES:
Yes, it was perfectly clear!
agnes goes/
DERMOT SHAKES HIS HEAD
DERMOT:
It's a job, for a day or two anyway Buster. I'm
Batman and you'll be Robin./
BUSTER GETS EXCITED
BUSTER:
Okay!/
DERMOT:
Okay then I'll see you here nine o'clock...../
BUSTER STANDS
BUSTER:
Right, Nine o'clock! (REALISES)
IN THE MORNING???/
DERMOT:
Yes./
EXIT BUSTER MUMBLING
BUSTER:
Nine o'clock in morning......See yeh Mrs
Brown./
AGNES: (AT HATCH)
Bye Buster, Don't let the door hit you in the
arse on the way out!/
DERMOT LAUGHS/
AGNES: (ENTERING)
So SUPER-son!
LAUGHS
would you like a cup of super tea?/
DERMOT:
Love one Mammy/
AGNES:
Then come on...I'll get it for yeh/
agnes motions flight with her arms, as
if superman.
GO TO BLACK:
(STING)
FADE UP TO:
SCENE 4/03. INT FOLEY'S BAR. INT.
STUDIO. (DAY 2). NIGHT. 21.15.
/
AGNES IS AT HER USUAL TABLE
WITH WINNIE
mark, betty and cathy are at a
separate table
rory is at the bar alone
dino is seated with barbara
we start with rory/
mr foley puts a drink in front of him
FOLEY:
£4.50 please Rory./
RORY:
Mr Foley... is Dino and Barbara looking over
at me./
foley looks over to /see both dino and
barbara staring at rory's back with
disdain./
FOLEY:
Big Time! £4.50 Rory./
rory pays
rory then quickly spins to catch the
other two staring - they look away.
then barbara looks back and sticks her
tongue out./
rory turns back as if he's been shot
through the heart./
move to agnes table
AGNES:
Poor Brigid McGonnagle...
WINNIE:
What about her?
AGNES:
The big "C"./
WINNIE:
No she's not!/
AGNES:
What?/
WINNIE:
She's not a "See You Next Tuesday"./
AGNES:
I wasn't saying' .... I said she has the big
"C".../
WINNIE:
Well after 12 kids ... it's not going to be a
keyhole./
AGNES:
THE BIG "C"... She has cancer!!/
WINNIE:
Who has? /
AGNES:
Brigid McGonagle./
WINNIE:
As well... God that's unlucky!/
AGNES:
I swear Winnie, sometimes it's like talking to
a revolving door!/
they take a sip
AGNES:
Well, lucky enough she has the kind they can
cure... but she got a hell of a fright.
WINNIE:
I bet.
thinks AND TURNS/
Do you check yourself Agnes?/
AGNES:
I do. Every time I have a bath.
WINNIE:
I don't..... I should but./
TURNS
What do you look for?/
AGNES:
Anything, lumps or bumps, any irregularity....
if it doesn't feel right go straight to the doctor.
Doesn't matter even if it turns out to be
nothing... get it checked./
WINNIE:
I could use another drink./
AGNES:
So could I./
WINNIE:
Fine
WINNIE rises and GOES TO BAR.
AGNES CROSSES TO FAMILY
TABLE.
AGNES:
Betty, take a look at me, now a GOOD
look..../
BETTY LOOKS FROM AGNES TO
CATHY/
CATHY SHRUGS/
AGNES:
Betty....am I fat?
MARK AND CATHY SHAKE THEIR
HEADS "NO" TO BETTY BEHIND
AGNES' BACK/
BETTY IGNORES THEM
BETTY:
Well, you could lose a FEW pounds!/
THE OTHER THREE ARE IN SHOCK!
AGNES DOES NOT RECEIVE THIS
WELL
AGNES:
Well you're no buckin Twiggy yourself..Hippo
Arse!/
BETTY SMARTS/
MARK:
Mammy... what Betty's trying to say is.../
AGNES:
I heard what she said.... I'M FAT!/
CATHY INTERJECTS
CATHY:
Well YES Mammy you are.... /
AGNES:
What??/
CATHY:
Well, not fat, but certainly overweight!/
AGNES:
Oh, come on.... gang up on fat Mammy!/
DERMOT ARRIVES overdressed as
superman BUT DOESN'T SIT
DERMOT:
What's up?/
AGNES:
Betty says I'm fat.../
BETTY:
Look Mrs Brown... everybody puts on a few
pounds now and then, sure Cathy will tell
you..../
CATHY GIVES BETTY A DIRTY
LOOK
CATHY:
Well not EVERYBODY... but yeh, Betty's
right...!/
BETTY SMILES. AGNES DOESN'T/
MARK TRIES TO CALM THE
WATERS
MARK:
Mammy maybe you just need to diet for a bit
to get back in shape!/
AGNES PAUSES/
DERMOT:
But Mammy was always THAT shape??/
AGNES GIVES DERMOT "THE"
LOOK
AGNES:
Well maybe that's because Mammy delivered
a big fat buckin' lump like you???/
DERMOT IS TAKEN ABACK/
MARK:
Dermot, get lost...will yeh!/
AGNES:
Yes, shag off.../
DERMOT GOES
go find yourself a fuckin' phone box!/
BETTY:
Look since I had Bono I've been struggling to
lose weight..../
CATHY:
YES she has...../
NOW BETTY GIVES
CATHY A LOOK
BETTY:
Well not THAT much.../
CATHY CORRECTS HERSELF
CATHY:
Eh, no, but that's because you worked at it!/
BETTY:
Exactly.... I'm on a diet... if you'd like, Mrs
Brown... I'll give you a copy of it? You can
give it a go./
AGNES THINKS/
CATHY:
And I'll give you a few exercises you can
do..../
AGNES THINKS/
MARK:
Ah come on Mammy... sure you've nothing to
lose!/
BETTY:
Except a few pounds!/
AGNES:
Feck it... I'll do it! I'll try the diet... even though
I see they didn't work for you two!
agnes goes back and sits down
winnie is now checking her breast
agnes glances at her and throws her
eyes to heaven
as agnes takes a sip of her drink
winnie now feels one of agnes'
breasts.
AGNES:
Winnie, fuck off!
WINNIE LETS GO.
GO TO BLACK:
(STING)
FADE UP TO:
SCENE 4/04. INT MRS BROWN'S
SITTING ROOM/ KITCHEN. INT.
STUDIO. (DAY 3). DAY LIGHT.
17.05.
/
RORY SITS ALONE IN THE SITTING
ROOM. HE IS READING A
HAIRDRESSING MAGAZINE
AGNES ENTERS LIKE A
COMMANDO SHE'S IN HER COAT
AND SCARF.
SHE LOOKS ABOUT.
AGNES:
Is she here?
RORY:
Who?
AGNES:
Cathy? Is she here?
RORY:
No.
AGNES PRODUCES A FISH
SUPPER FROM UNDER HER COAT
AGNES:
Oh, thank God... Two days on this diet is
killing me!/
OPENS THE SUPPER AND STARTS
EATING
AGNES:
Hmmmmm. Oh love of Jesus these are
gorgeous
WE HEAR THE FRONT DOOR
OPEN/
AGNES QUICKLY JUMPS UP A
PLONKS THE FISH SUPPER ON
RORY'S LAP AND SITS AGAIN
ENTER CATHY
CATHY:
Hiya Mammy!/
AGNES:
Hello love!/
CATHY SNIFFS
CATHY:
I smell chips?/
AGNES POINTS TO RORY/
CATHY:
Ahh Rory...that's very unfair bringing chips
home when you know Mammy's on diet!/
AGNES JUMPS UP AND BEGINS TO
BEAT RORY WITH HER TEA
TOWEL.
AGNES:
How could you Rory...you inconsiderate
bastard!
CHIPS FLYING EVERYWHERE
WHILE RORY HASN'T A CLUE
WHAT'S GOING ON/
CATHY EXITS TO THE KITCHEN/
AGNES QUICKLY BEGINS TO PICK
UP THE CHIPS AND PUT THEM
BACK INTO THE BAG
AGNES:
I'm sorry Rory pet, you know what she's like.
I wouldn't hurt you for the world./
RORY IS CONFUSED/
CATHY: (AT HATCH)
Tea?/
AGNES BEATS RORY AGAIN
AGNES:
You bastard...how could you...
AGNES: (TO CATHY)
Oh yes please love...Two sugars please./
CATHY TURNS AWAY TO MAKE
TEA/
AGNES: (BACK TO RORY)
I'm so sorry son...
AGNES HEADS FOR THE KITCHEN
CUT TO THE KITCHEN
AGNES ENTERS/
CATHY: (AT FRIDGE)
Would you like some cottage cheese
Mammy?/
AGNES:
Oh God, no. I'm stuffed!/
CATHY IS SURPRISED/
THE SITTING ROOM
DERMOT ENTERS THROUGH THE
FRONT DOOR
DERMOT:
I'm home Ma!/
AGNES: (AT HATCH)
OK love./
DERMOT SITS AT ONE OF THE
HARD CHAIRS AT THE SITTING
ROOM TABLE
HE SPOTS RORY
DERMOT:
Well?.....hello there Rory?/
RORY:(MATTER OF FACT)
Hiya Dermot./
DERMOT:
Are you alright?/
RORY:
Oh sorry Dermot....I'm miles away./
DERMOT:
Why, what's up?/
WE SEE AGNES ENTER FROM THE
KITCHEN
RORY WAVES AWAY DERMOT'S
QUEsTION. WHATEVER IT IS, HE
DOESN'T WANT TO SHARE IT WITH
AGNES
AGNES:
Now son there's a cuppa for yeh....Rory
cuppa?/
RORY:
Eh, no thanks Mammy./
AGNES:
Fine.
SHE GOES BACK TOWARD THE
KITCHEN
AGNES: (TO DERMOT)
I'm doing dinner for Rory, if you want to join
us./
DERMOT:
What is it?/
AGNES:
Filet de Poisson En Croute/
DERMOT:
What's that?/
AGNES:
Buckin' Fish Fingers!/
DERMOT:
Ah, no Ma, I'd better not. Maria's off at eight
and we're goin to her mother's for dinner,
later./
AGNES NOT HAPPY
AGNES:
Fine. Well, I'm just saying there's enough
there. Plenty./
DERMOT:
Thanks Ma./
AGNES: (EXITING TO KITCHEN)
You're welcome love.
CATHY WALKS THROUGH THE
SITTING ROOM TO GO UPSTAIRS
SO THE BOYS STAY SILENT
CATHY:
Hiya Dermot./
DERMOT:
Hiya Cathy.
WHEN CATHY LEAVES/
RORY GOES TO SPEAK BUT..../
CUT TO THE KITCHEN
AGNES IS HEADING OUT THE
BACK DOOR WITH WINDOW SPRAY
AND CLOTH
AGNES:
Well done Dermot. I'm just going outside to
do the windows. If I'm not back in 15 minutes
come and get me. You know what I'm like
once I start. I'll probably be 5 buckin houses
away./
DERMOT:
Okay Ma!/
AGNES TURNS TO LEAVE/
DERMOT WAITS UNTIL HE HEARS
THE BACK DOOR CLOSE
DERMOT: (TO RORY)
So, what is it, what's up?/
RORY:
I hate being the manager Dermot.... Dino is
not talking to me, the other stylists are
ganging up on me..../
DERMOT:
Oh right. Well it can't be easy I suppose./
rory nods/
RORY TAKES A PILL BOTTLE FROM
HIS POCKET
HE GLANCES OVER AT THE
KITCHEN TO BE SURE AGNES
CAN'T HEAR HIM/
RORY:
And now there's this.....
HE SHOWS THE BOTTLE TO
DERMOT
RORY:
Dermot, what do you think they are?/
HE TOSSES THE BOTTLE TO
DERMOT./ DERMOT OPENS THE
BOTTLE AND SNIFFS - PULLING
AWAY FROM THE SMELL.
DERMOT:
L.S.D.! Jaysus, Rory you're not taking acid
are you?/
RORY: (OFFENDED)
No I'm not! I found them in work...../
DERMOT:
So who owns them?/
RORY:
I don't know... and now as the manager, I
have to find out. Whoever it is I have to fire
them!/
DERMOT PUTS THE BOTTLE DOWN
ON THE TABLE/
SHE SPOTS THE BOTTLE
STRAIGHT AWAY
AGNES:
What's them?
SHE PICKS THEM UP
AGNES: (TO DERMOT)
Who owns these?/
DERMOT:
Rory../
RORY:
Yeah, they're mine.../
AGNES:
What are they for?/
RORY:
Ah, just stuff I got for .....
HE LOOKS TO DERMOT FOR HELP
-/
DERMOT SHAKES HIS HEAD/
RORY:
For heartburn./
AGNES:
Heartburn... well you better take one now
before your fish fingers./
RORY IS PANICKING NOW
RORY:
I haven't got heartburn NOW Mammy. I'll
keep them til later./
AGNES: (CROSSING LEFT)
I'll put them away, safe!/
RORY:
Sure, I'll keep them safe!/
AGNES:
No Rory you've a head like a sieve. God
knows where you'll put them - I'll put them
away safe - with Bono in and out of this place
you can't be too careful.
AGNES:
If you need one later just tell me, I'll get you
one./
RORY HESITATES... HE LOOKS
OVER TO DERMOT /WHO JUST
SHRUGS
/
RORY IS DEVASTATED
SCENE 4/05. INT MRS BROWN'S
KITCHEN - MORNING DAY 4 09.05.
INT. STUDIO. DAY LIGHT.
/
agnes is sitting at kitchen table
reading "talk yourself thin" by mark
lawrence
AGNES:
I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. I'm not
hungry. I wasn't hungry yesterday; I'm not
hungry today; I won't be hungry tomorrow;
I'm not hungry./
ENTER DERMOT IN BATMAN
COSTUME
DERMOT:
Hiya Ma.../
AGNES:(WEAKLY)
I'm fecking starving!/
DERMOT STANDS BESIDE AGNES
DERMOT:
Had a lovely meal in Maria's Ma's house last
night.../
AGNES:
That's nice../
DERMOT:
Never had peeled grape sauce before...she
drizzled it over two pork chops...and served it
with creamed spinach...
HE GLANCES DOWN OUT OF SHOT
DERMOT:
Are you licking my hand, Ma/?
WE SEE AGNES POSED OVER HIS
HAND WITH HER TONGUE OUT
AGNES:
Sorry.../
KNOCK AT THE BACK DOOR
DERMOT LOOKS AT HIS WATCH
DERMOT:
Ah, here's Robin...
CALLS
It's open Buster!/
ENTER BUSTER WHO IS DRESSED
AS ROBIN HOOD - COMPLETE
WITH MOUSTACHE AND GOATEE/
DERMOT:
What the hell??/
BUSTER:
Right then...let's go "ridin through the glen"
DERMOT SHAKES HIS HEAD
BUSTER:
What do you think Mrs Brown, do I look like
"real" robin?/
AGNES:
No Buster you look like a thrush../
BUSTER:
A thrush, why?/
AGNES:
Because you're an irritating little.........../
DERMOT:
Mammy!!/
AGNES STOPS
AGNES:
Fine!/
DERMOT:
Gotta go Mammy./
AGNES:
I'll see you for your dinner?/
DERMOT:
Eh, no Mammy. I'm meeting Maria after work
and taking her for a Chinese!/
AGNES DROOLS AS SHE SITS
BACK DOWN
AGNES:
A chiiineeeseee!!!/
DERMOT:
And you...Yeh, gobshite Buster, come on I'll
get you a proper outfit. /
BUSTER:
OK let's go Kemosabe!
DERMOT:
Still wrong.../
AGNES DROPS HER HEAD ON THE
TABLE WEEPING AND SNIFFLING
ENTER WINNIE
WINNIE:
Jaysus, are you alright Agnes?
AGNES:
No Winnie.... I think I'm anorexic!/
WINNIE: (SITTING)
What?/
AGNES:
I'm weak. Ten days, ten days I've been on
this diet....ten feckin days/
WINNIE:
And have you lost anything?/
AGNES:
Yes. Ten fecking days!!/
WINNIE IS CONCERNED
WINNIE:
And how do you feel?/
AGNES:
I'm fuckin starvin!/
WINNIE:
Did you weigh yourself?/
AGNES:
Ah, that scales is broken!/
WINNIE:
Agnes everybody on a diet says that!/
AGNES:
No, I threw them out the bathroom window
yesterday../
WINNIE LAUGHS/
CATHY: (ENTERING)
Good morning Mammy!/
AGNES STANDS
AGNES:
I'll get you a cup of tea love.../
CATHY:
I'll get it meself./
AGNES:
No, I'll get it... sure I was going to lick out the
oven anyway!/
CATHY CHUCKLES/
AGNES:
Cathy I can't do this diet!/
CATHY:
Yes you can./
AGNES:
I can't, I'm after eating a whole packet of
those Ryvita crackers... and then I ate the
wrapper!...and the wrapper was the nicest
part!/
CATHY:
Now, now.../
AGNES ISN'T FINISHED
AGNES:
And do you see that.. I can't believe it's not
butter?.../
CATHY:
Yes../
AGNES: (SITTING)
It's NOT fuckin butter!!/
CATHY: (CROSS TO SIT)
Now, look Mammy you are doing fantastic!/
AGNES: (DEFEATED)
I'm doing us steamed cod's roe for dinner!/
CATHY:
Oh, I won't be here, I meant to tell you. I'm
going to dinner with Thomas... Professor
Clowne!/
AGNES:
Again? This is going on longer than we all
expected/
CATHY:
It's just a date Mammy. Actually I think he is
only dating me to get to you./
WINNIE:
Likes fat women does he?/
AGNES: (TO WINNIE)
I'm sorry?/
WINNIE:
Nothing./
CATHY:
He is determined to interview you for his
book./
AGNES:
Well he can be as determined as he likes...
I'm not doing it! Not unless he pays me.... in
Chocolate!/
CATHY:
Mammy, you are making too big a thing of
this diet, And you haven't got much longer to
go../
AGNES:
Really? How long?/
CATHY:
Six weeks! And I'll be watching you every
step of the way!!/
AGNES:
SIX FECKIN WEEKS?? In six weeks I'll have
buckin' eaten Winnie...!/
WINNIE IS UP in a panic
WINNIE:
Right I have to go....
AT THE BACK DOOR
WINNIE:
I'll see you later Agnes... in about seven
weeks!/
AGNES:
Bring food!
GO TO BLACK:
(STING)
FADE UP TO:
SCENE 4/06. MRS BROWN'S
SITTING ROOM/KITCHEN. INT.
STUDIO. (DAY 4). NIGHT. 20.50.
GRANDDAD IS ASLEEP IN THE
ARMCHAIR/
AGNES IS watching tv AND HEARS
THE DOOR/
WINNIE COMES IN THE BACK
DOOR
/
AGNES:
If that's you Winnie I'm in the sitting room./
WINNIE: (ENTERING)
Is it safe to come in or will you lick me to
death?/
AGNES LAUGHS/
WINNIE:
So how's the diet going?/
AGNES:
It's gone!.... I had four doughnuts just before
you came in!!!/
WINNIE:
That'll kill yeh Agnes./
AGNES:
I don't care .....I won't be carrying the coffin!/
THEY LAUGH/
WINNIE:
So Cathy IS dating yer man Clown?/
AGNES:
Oh don't start me off.... I tried to tell her..
AGNES SQUIRMS WITH A CRAMP
Ooouch!/
WINNIE:
What's wrong?/
AGNES:
Nothing it's just a cramp.... Oouch!/
WINNIE:
That'll be them doughnuts!/
AGNES:
Well thank you Winnie for your support... I
feel much better now!/
WINNIE:
Really?/
AGNES:
NO.... Ouch! ... here Have you anything on
you for indigestion?/
WINNIE:
No sorry, but I can slip home and have a
look../
AGNES:
No I'll be fine.../
WINNIE:
So go on..... the professor?/
AGNES GOES TO SPEAK... BUT
INSTEAD HAS A THOUGHT
AGNES: (GETTING UP AND CROSSING
LEFT)
Wait a minute .....
Rory had tablets for heartburn, they'd do....
what did I do with them?
REMEMBERS
AGNES:
I put them in this cupboard here.
Here they are.
AGNES OPENS THE BOTTLE
AGNES:
Jaysus, they're very small???/
WINNIE:
Sure take two then../
AGNES POPS TWO - THEY TASTE
BITTER
AGNES: (CROSSING BACK)
Oh GOD!!! They taste awful, I think I'd rather
have indigestion!!/
WINNIE:
You'll feel better in a flash. So go on tell me
about the Professor Clown./
AGNES:
Well, Cathy say's he has no interest in being
what you might call a boy friend..../
WINNIE:
They all say that.../
AGNES SWOONS
AGNES:
Jaysus, I feel a bit dizzy!/
WINNIE:
That'll be the upset stomach, go on..../
AGNES:
So anyway, what was I saying?/
WINNIE:
What you might call a boyfriend....../
AGNES:
I dunno... you might call him John... why who
wants to know?
WINNIE:
No you said that the professor.....
AGNES IS LOOKING PAST WINNIE
NOW
AGNES:
Ahh. Look at that.....
AGNES SEES SOMETHING THAT
WINNIE DOESN'T
SHE CLUCKS
move Winnie!.... Ahhh, who owns that horse?
WINNIE IS LOOKING AROUND NOW
BEWILDERED
AGNES IS BACK IN THE PRESENT
AGNES:
So, anyway, I said to Cathy that what she
thinks is one thing, but what he thinks is a
mother...
WINNIE:
A Mother?....
AGNES:
Say nothing... just fuckin' ignore him... Winnie
WINNIE:
Ignore who....
AGNES:
Spiderman... he's hanging out of his web.
WINNIE: (LOOKS UP)
His web?
AGNES:
His Worldwide Web Web Web..... Winnie do
you know what I saw on the internet? On the
internet it said that if all the staff of all the ...
STANDS UP
AGNES:
...McDonalds in the world were to stand hand
in hand..... you'd have to get your own
burgers....
WINNIE:
Burgers...?
AGNES: (RISING BEHIND SOFA)
Burgers? Do you want fries with that.... fuck
off spiderman..... Winnie.......I'm starvin!
WINNIE: (RISING AND CROSSING TO
KITCHEN)
I'll get you something to eat....
AGNES: (CROSSING TO U.S. DINING
CHAIR)
No it's alright I'll eat the chair...
WINNIE:
Jaysus Agnes what's wrong with you, come
on I'm putting you to bed.
SHE BEGINS TO DRAG AGNES
TOWARD THE STAIRS
AGNES:
We can't go up the stairs...
WINNIE:
Why not?
AGNES:
Because we can't get past the fuckin'
HORSE
WINNIE PUSHES AGNES UP THE
STAIRS
HALF WAY AGNES STOPS
AGNES:
Winnie....
WINNIE:
What Agnes?
AGNES:
I buckin love you....
GO TO BLACK:
(STING)
FADE UP TO:
SCENE 4/07. INT MRS BROWN'S
SITTING ROOM - LATER. INT.
STUDIO. (DAY 4). 21.25.
THE ROOM IS EMPTY, BUT THE
FRONT DOOR RATTLES AND
CATHY ENTERS WITH CLOWNE/
CATHY:
Oh, we have the house to ourselves... sit
down. I'd love to see those notes./
CLOWNE: (CROSSING TO SOFA)
I WAS hoping your mother would be here.../
CATHY: (CYNICALLY)
Yeh. What a shame!/
WINNIE:
Cathy!/
CATHY:
Winnie?/
WINNIE:
Howye Cathy. Listen your mother is not well,
not well at all... I put her to bed but keep an
eye on her!/
CATHY:
Thanks Winnie. I'll walk you out.
they exit to kitchen leaving clowne in
the sitting room/
behind clowne agnes comes down the
stairs and poses like superman in the
small archway then heads back
upstairs. /
CATHY: (ENTERING)
Well there you are then. We won't be seeing
Mammy tonight! (SITS)/
CLOWNE:
Has she mentioned if she will let me study
her at all?/
CATHY:
No.
she calls clowne's attention back to
notes/
AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS
AGNES MOUNTS AN INVISiBLE
HORSE AND RIDES IT ACROSS
THE BACK OUT OF CAMERA INTO
THE laundry./
CATHY:
Professor..../
CLOWNE:
You can drop the professor unless we are in
the college!/
agnes emerges from the kitchen on
her invisible horse. Rides round the
room and back out to the laundry./
CATHY:
Thomas... Mammy is not as fascinating as
you think she is.
behind cathy we see agnes on the
sideboard in the kitchen through the
HATCH.
CATHY:
At the end of the day she's just a very
ordinary Mother...
agnes falls out of shot with a crash.
cathy and professor look to see what's
happened. /
and then turn back, the professor
shrugs/
ENTER AGNES who stops in the
middle of the room, SPINS A LA
WONDER WOMAN AND CRIES OUT
AGNES:
To fight injustice wherever it may be........ ...
look out crime, here I come....
AGNES turns to the door then DIVES
THROUGH THE SITTINGROOM
WINDOW/
cathy and clowne are gobsmacked
GO TO BLACK:
(STING)
FADE UP TO:
SCENE 4/08. INT MRS BROWN'S
KITCHEN/SITTING ROOM. INT.
STUDIO. (DAY 5). DAY LIGHT.
08.50.
/
AGNES IS SIPPING TEA AND
LOOKS LIKE SHE IS HUNG OVER/
RORY: (ENTERING)
Morning "Super" Mammy!/
AGNES:
Shut up! I feel like I'm walking on me
eyeballs/
RORY LAUGHS/
AGNES:
You sound very happy?/
RORY:
I am. I spoke to the boss and he's now going
to have me and Dino as Joint Managers!!/
AGNES:
That's nice./
ENTER CATHY
CATHY:
Well I hope you are proud of yourself!!/
AGNES:
Oh, leave me alone Cathy...I'm sorry Cathy
alright!... he probably never wants to see you
again!/
CATHY IS BRIGHT AND SPARKLY
CATHY:
On the contrary, he was delighted with
your..... performance! I AM seeing him again
and YOU are going to help with his book!/
AGNES:
No Cathy I don't.../
CATHY:
Mammy!/
AGNES:
Okay....fine..../
RORY:
Tea Cathy../
CATHY:
Thanks Rory!/
RORY:
Oh wait we're short of milk - Mammy would
you fly down to the shops and get some?/
AGNES:
Very feckin' funny./
AGNES EXITS TO THE
SITTINGROOM
CUT TO AGNES IN THE
SITTINGROOM
AGNES:
Well that's the story this week.... you know... I
often think.......
SLOWLY AGNES COLLAPSES TO
THE FLOOR ON HER WAY DOWN
AGNES:
Good night.......
THE END
SCENE 4/08A. INT CURTAIN CALL.
INT. STUDIO. DAY LIGHT.
/
WS STUDIO/
SITTING ROOM - AGNES COMES IN
/
AND BOWS/
SHE CROSSES TO
KITCHEN/
AND JOINS
RORY, DINO, DERMOT, MARK,
BUSTER
THEY BOW/
SHE CROSSES TO
SITTING ROOM/
AND JOINS
BETTY, CATHY, WINNIE, BARBARA
THEY BOW./
SHE CROSSES TO
PUB/
AND JOINS
MIKE, FOLEY, GRANDDAD
THEY BOW/
AGNES WAVES

FolicEntity's latest sounds

FolicEntity has not uploaded any sounds...